Just got back from House Church. Went through the Book of Job and talked about the topic of "Suffering". We know that there's all these suffering going on in the world today like the recent Tsunami in Japan, Earthquake in Christchurch, Flood in Queensland and so on. But what does suffering look like in our own lives today?
Went in a circle to share with every one what we think we're "suffering" from today. When it got to my turn, the first thing that came to my mind was "stress". I know that being in my Final Year, doing Engineering, at Melbourne University wasn't going to be easy, but I didn't realise how dark and deep into the suffering I really was until I said it out loud just now.
Basically with each passing day, I feel more and more like a failure. I really do. There's just so much that I need to get done, want to achieve, but simply can't. And it seems like I always seem to be dwelling in yesterday's failure. I'm not as happy as I would really like to be.
I'm suffering from so much stress. Firstly from the piles of uni work that I have yet to catch up on. I am so behind, that I don't know what's going on anymore. Going to each lecture everyday, I feel so overwhelmed with it that I really feel like giving up and going home.
Then there's my part-time work at McDonalds. Our store is going through some stuff and I sort of have no choice but to work way more than I usually do. Approximately 4 days a week. I've tried many times to reduce my shift and I just can't. Till the point I dread looking at my roster each week, unlike before. And that's 4 nights a week that I can't do anything else already cause it's gone to work. That's too much.
Then the other thing is my PR status. I feel so happy, yet sometimes envious that most of my friends are born into a family with PR status whereas me and some of my friends need to work hard for it ourselves. Damn. But then again, I can't think like that because I too, am born into a family fortunate enough to send me overseas.
Basically, I'm struggling to get all the points I need to get my PR even though I'll be graduating as an Engineer. Things aren't as easy anymore, I don't know anyone in my position who's gotten anywhere just like me cause the requirements seem so absurd. But yeah, I'm finding it hard to let go and have peace with this matter every single day that I don't have the points I need. Which is now until God knows when.
Then last but not least, I am now part of a group of thousands of Civil Engineers who are sending out graduate job applications to firm after firms. The competition is so tough and every one, including your friends are fighting for the same position. Been spending so much time writing cover letters, sending out applications to companies that may or most likely may not even look at my application cause of my status as an International student. It's frustrating, really. And it's because of the job applications and my part-time work that my studies has taken a back seat in the meantime.
I guess that at the end of the day, my exasperation boils down to the fact that each day I don't have my future sorted out. I don't like that nothing is going my way. Nothing. And I know how immature that sounds, but this time of uncertainty really speaks something about my Faith. And the Trust in my Creator? Where is it? Where has it gone? All those things that I've learned over the years. I still remember the time I've had to deal with something similar last year when I talked about "The Real Evil".
I'm glad for tonight's wake up call. Cause now that I've said it out. I see the hill that I have to climb on this journey more clearly now. I am really praying for clarity and more importantly, peace with all these matters. And I would really appreciate it if you could pray for me too.
Hope to update you guys with more cheerful things like my unforgettable 21st birthday sometime soon. Take good care, all.
Much Love,
Winston.
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