Points of Clarity

Hi one, hi all...

It's been a while, hasn't it? Just been so flipping busy with uni and EWB the past few weeks that today's the first time I sort of got to take a breather in a long, long time. During this time, you can say that I've spent a lot of time "soul searching" and have definitely hit a few points of clarity.

First is my whole mindset and perception towards "Vacation Work". Almost every one who's spoken to me the past few months have probably heard me bring up the topic of me applying for a summer internship in Australia at one point or another. And to certain people, probably 1,000 times.

This whole process of sending out applications started all the way from May. And honestly, you have no idea how much unrest, stress and anxiety I've been facing for the past 4 months just cause I really want or "need" to get Vac Work. It's only recently when I felt like this whole "Vac Work" issue has consumed SO much of me that I'm forced to really rethink why I even want this in the first place. Or perhaps... If it really is right for me at all?

I mean come to think of it, no one put this pressure or expectation on me to gain work experience at all. Not my parents, nor my university, which is extremely fortunate for me. It's all because I wanted to use this extra curricular experience to "get ahead" of all my peers cause I was afraid that the competition when I graduate would be much tougher than it is now. This is especially true for a course like Engineering.

So, makes sense to want to try. It's good way for me to build myself up and also to enter the industry early anyway. But let me tell you, what started out with good sense and intention, slowly turned into something very different over time. There was a major shift from "hoping that I get a job" to "I seriously MUST get a job otherwise I'm gonna feel like such a failure and it's going to be almost impossible for me to get one next year, since most grads job require PR status but not Vac Work. Then... DIE"

What I seriously hate about this whole mentality is that it's made me SO desperate, and narrow minded that if I don't take this linear path to enter the industry, all hope is lost. None of which makes ANY sense to my Faith or God.

How can I consider myself a failure if God says that I am fearfully and wonderfully made in HIS image. How can I think that my life can only go in one direction, when we know that God works in the most mysterious and unexpected of ways? How can I try and plan my life path with my limited knowledge when we have a God steering every part of our life in a good direction with His INFINITE wisdom?

Basically, who am I to try and be in control when all my plans will just SHATTER within a second if it's not in line with God's. I see it now. I need to release myself of this now. I mean, I'm not saying career ambitions is a bad thing at all, no. In fact, I sincerely do hope that all my friends do get Vac Work and that every one works hard to be successful in their career.

HOWEVER, if you let any ambition, whether you think it's good or selfish, start to eat so much of you that it causes you to idolise and change the things you think you value and are important, THAT'S when the problem starts to happen. And you better think if you're really making the right decision at all. And I don't even know if this is what God has planned for me, or if it's just me trying REALLY hard to force my way into the industry.

It was also through certain conversations I've had with some awesome people the past few weeks that I felt God had shed some of His light on this entire situation. First was when B and C reminded me that when something really is of God, it will surely grant you peace. Peace in a way like no other, before and after you've made a decision to follow through. And the only reason you feel that way cause if it really is God's intentions, you'll know it deep down and it just feels right.

So yeah. Peace of mind about this whole thing is something that I didn't have from the start. But fear and doubt? Plenty. And I kinda reckon that even if I DO get Vac Work, the anxiety wouldn't just rest there and continue on till God knows when. It will just keep escalating endlessly from when I first start and till I finish the whole program, or even after just cause of the current mindset I'm in. That's why, I need to SHIFT back my focus, before I get into anything at all.

Next conversation that really struck me about this was when I caught up with J, my mentor. Basically, how he got to a point in his career where he can say out of faith that "this is where God has led me to be" from such a humble beginning in Malaysia really baffles me. All I can say is, him to finally get here happened in the most unexpected of ways.

And what really lingered with me from that night was when he said that, "As much as you're praying for the right doors to open, you also need to pray for the right doors to close." Boy oh boy did that really strike me hard in the head or what. I mean, if I do get Vac Work, fine. But even if I don't, I can confidently say now that I will be letting out a long sigh of relief.

I mean, maybe there's a reason why even though I've tried so damn hard to get what I want but it hasn't been granted by God. And that's cause maybe, just simply, it wasn't meant to be. I strongly believe that if that really does happen, it'll be God's way of shutting one small door in my life. And I choose to believe with full conviction that where God will lead me will definitely be SO much better than what I'd imagine in the first place. What a reassuring thought.

Basically after these two significant conversations, I've finally been able to release all my anxieties and fears of this whole situation to God. So for the first time in the past 4 months, I've finally been able to obtain true peace with this ENTIRE situation. What a freaking incredible feeling.

NOW, I can't tell you how excited I am about what's in store for this year and next. There's just so much more room for things to naturally take its course when you stop trying to FORCEFULLY plan every area of your life. And what I've taken from this whole situation that I'm still going to give it my best in every career decision that I make. But I also need to relax and accept that some things are beyond my control. But whether I see it then or not, our Father DOES have a plan for me. And I look forward to the day that it is MY turn to confidently say, "This is where I know my God has led me to be."

So, yeah. I'm so thankful for these wonderful people in my life cause without them, I would still be living with a huge burden in my heart. But now, I am set free. Praise the Lord.

Also, another thing that I wanna quickly mention is that on Friday the 25th September, my whole community and I will be entering the 40 Days of Fasting and Prayer. This year, I will be fasting from three things: TV series, Facebook and Instant Noodles.

Last time I fasted (which was two years ago), I was really intentional about what I would be fasting FROM. But this year, I have been spending a LOT of time to think exactly what I will be fasting FOR. First, would be for my friend Jonathan's healing. And anyone who's really prayed for healing from sickness and death that it is NOT easy.

It's been such a cycle for me from having Faith to Doubt to Faith again when contemplating this prayer, for fear of what it may do to my Faith or my friend's when Healing doesn't actually come at the end of the 40 Days. Cause let me tell you, this is honestly a BIG thing to pray for. Cause there is NO technology around the world today that is able to help him. If Healing were to happen, it definitely would have to be by God's divine Miracles.

But then I spoke to my friend, A, about this the other night, expressing my concern of what the outcome may be of my prayer after the 40 days. And she basically just replied, "why do you need to limit yourself to the 40 days anyway?"

At that point, I was just fully thrown back by this simple yet powerful statement. She's absolutely right. Why must I only have faith for this during this 40 days? Why can't I continue to carry on the same Faith even AFTER, no matter what happens. So. Damn. True. Talking to her definitely encourage me to go into this 40 Day fast with more Faith than I did and to believe that Healing WILL come to my friend, in one way or another, eventually.

Fantastic. And the other thing I wanna pray for is this issue that I've been struggling with for over a year now. A lot of it has been about me looking back and being stuck in the past. I don't like change. I tend to always try and make situations back to the way they were, or find something to hold on to in the present that reminds me of the past.

And it's gone on for too long. So throughout these 40 Days, I will continue to pray about this specific issue. And at the end of it, I believe God will help me to FINALLY look forward and be filled with Hope for a better and different future in this area of my life. I believe it.

As you can see, the past week has just been filled with so much clarity that would never have been possible if it weren't for the wonderful people in my life. I'm glad that through it all, I am able to draw closer to God again. And I sincerely do hope that my friends and I will be transformed from this 40 Days and Prayer. Looking forward to doing this together with all the fantastic people at Life* Expedition.

Hope you're all growing strong in Faith!

Much Love,

Winston.

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Pictures from the past month:-

(i) 40 Hour Famine

Reached the end of our 40 hrs without eyesight (for Z and I), hearing (for Juls)

JUST as we are about to have our eyesight and hearing restored. One last pik for remembrance!

SENSES RESTORED!!! =DDD

A picture with our beloved friend, Jon. He has no idea, but he's left such an impact in our lives and was the reason we came together for the 40 Hr Famine. Thanks for all of you who supported/sponsored us!

(ii) Of good times over food

Break from studying over yummy assorted Malay kuihs... I love having multicultural friends

Celebrating Melissa's 22nd over Jap BBQ =)

Dinner with KK/TTSS gang with a very special guest visiting us all the way from NZ!

So thankful for friends from KK that after so many years, we can still hang out together after so many years, in a place like Melbourne. Conversations that made it feel as if it were taken place at our fav coffee shop in KK 5 yrs ago... Good times

(iii) Of unforgettable times with dear friends

Wow, can't even remember the last time we did this but got together with two of my brothers over dinner... Celebrating Chris's birthday...

LOVE THIS PHOTO OF THE THREE OF US!! Hilarious times lololol...

Awesome buds...

Been through so much with these guys... Love em both to death

A night that we will NEVER forget. SO much happened that night and I'm glad we can walk away from it holding a little piece of memory of what was said and prayed for. What a breakthrough!

(iv) Of cherished time with the family

First family meal with Dad who flew in from Malaysia, and Sis from Adelaide. SO HAPPYYY =)))

After a long day of shopping at Chaddy, went to our favourite Curry Fish Head place at Carnegie... Family with my sister's two best friends!

Next few weeks are gonna be super FULL ON till exams... Hope you're all resting well during this break and prepping hard for the end of sem! Peace!!